Thursday, August 23, 2007

Minimal Bible

Thanks to John Hassay:

1. If you have some money to spend, feel free to bring lots of cocaine and
ketamine. Don't splurge it all on the actual party , as the after party is
where you drugs count - expect to be feeding your favourite minimal DJ's
with tons of nose candy until late the next day. Be sure you can hang. 2. If
you have a nice big flat and don't mind it being temporarily used as a crack
house, be sure to offer it to your favourite minimal DJ before he or she
leaves their respected party - be aware that you will most likely have no
say on who actually attends the after party, but rest assure you are on your
way to becoming a minimal hypster. 3. The haircut is very important,
although it is very important - you must not let this be the DEFINING
aspect. For tips on hypster haircuts, check on the internet for the latest
pictures of Magda - be sure the photo is hot and up to date, as this
commandment rotates about every 2 weeks - by that time there is thousands
with the same haircut. 4. Underrated but very serious in your quest to
minimal hyperstardom is the minimal scarf. Normally used by French artists
say to the world "hey I am an artist, shuchameblah" this is now a sure-fire
way to let everyone else know - hey I am down with the minimal sound.
Current minimal hypsters who sport the minimal scarf include Luciano,
Ricardo, Richie, Magda, Troy and Marc Houle. 5. If you ever have the chance
to meet Rich Hawtin, when talking with him - make sure you agree with
everything he says and most importantly REPEAT. If you do not have the
pleasure of meeting him personally, but have a friend who has - just repeat
to everyone what your friend has told you he said. If they are a true
minimal hypster they will surely repeat their whole conversation anyway.
With people such as Troy Pierce, Magda, Ricardo Villalobos, Luciano, this
same rule applies to a lesser degree, but still enough to get you on your
way. 6. This one is very important, forget about your health and live for
the moment. You must be willing to take as many drugs as your favourite
minimal superstar DJ. As long as your are willing to party until the last
moment on a broad combination of drugs all at the same time, such as
Ketamine, Mdma, lots and lots of cocaine, speed, LSD and the occasional
mushrooms you will surely be accepted and furthermore run the possibility of
being admired. You can never imagine the power of totally ruining your body
and mind in the conquest to being a minimal hype star. 7. This one is
simple! Keep it superficial. Under no circumstances should you have a
conversation with some depth or meaning. Recommended topics of discussion
are haircuts, the newest minus record, how cool magda is, how much drugs
Ricardo took the night before, how cool the current party is, and how
amazing of a musician Luciano is. Just tell yourself over and over, this is
not actually being superficial - it's just being minimal. 8. Sex, Sex, Sex -
in the minimal hypster world you should never expect to get laid before 48
hours of straight partying. Even if you have a special liking for that
certain someone, keep in mind that if they too are an aspiring minimal
hypster like yourself they will most definitely be at that after-hours, and
where better place to get down to sexual business. (This is the time when
taste, memory and morals are all flushed down the toilet) if you are a
female, this is the time where you chances are highest of scoring with your
favourite minimal superstar DJ, therefore immediately catapulting yourself
into minimal stardom.(most of the time you will just settle for someone who
knows Rich Hawtin). 9. Be sure to constantly read the writing of PHILIP
SHERBURNE - he is the man who will always keep you informed on the newest
and best hype on the internet. DO NOT EVER QUESTION HIS INTENTIONS OR
MENTION THE FACT THAT ALL HE WRITES ABOUT IS HOW COOL RICARDO, RICH HAWTIN,
MAGDA, LUCIANO, ROBAG WRUHME AND MUTEK CREW IS. He is literally the man to
go to if you want to be fed with the minimal hype. Although it seems as if
he is desperately trying to fit in and be accepted, everyone should realize
HE HAS ALREADY BEEN ACCPETED. He just loves his role as minimal hypster so
much that he wants to spread the love. As with Rich Hawtin the same rule
applies to Mr. Sherburne, everything he writes or says AKNOWLEDGE, AGREE AND
REPEAT. 10. THE MINIMAL CAPITAL OF THE WORLD BERLIN! If you wish to be a
minimal hypestar, one of the easiest ways is to come to Berlin with no plan
and frequent places such as the famous drug spots like bar25, club de
visionarie and panoramabar. It is these locations in which your minimal
fantasies become realities - expect to see people like Rich Hawtin, Matt
John, Konrad Black, Troy Pierce and Magda totally out of their minds and
much more easy to approach. It is here that you can forge those life long,
superficial - I mean minimal relationships. These rules are meant in no
specific order - ONE MORE GOLDEN RULE! Don't forget minus is the best label
to surface in the last decade with its revolutionary stance on music. Almost
as if they coined the term minimal

3 comments:

Lord Kook said...

This is one of the greatest thing's I've read on the net for a long time. Here in San Francisco, where the minimal scene has exploded over the last year, it's nice to get some 'perspective'. Especially if it's vicious perspective.

The Jaded Gay DJ said...

Whoa, somebody's not too happy! Actually reminds me of certain little "scenes" here in San Francisco as well, but I guess that's pretty much the nature of "scenes." I only wish I could rise to this level of viciousness, but this town's a little too small for that.

Pollux said...

Thanks for leaving your comments. Much appreciated.